Frankenstein's Superstar

Frankenstein wasn’t a monster. Frankenstein was a freaking genius. Frankenstein was the mad scientist in Mary Shelley’s classic novel “Frankenstein; or The Modern Prometheus,” who created the monster that we all refer to as Frankenstein. Wow, that’s a lot of Frankensteins for three, now four sentences. And we’re about to get even more Frankensteiny.

The monster in the classic piece of literature was somewhat of an undead being pieced together with different body parts. So inspired by “The Modern Prometheus” (whatever that means) as well as a chapter from the hoops book, “Basketball (and Other Things),” we’re gonna take on the task of building our own basketball Super Frankenstein. Taking body parts and attributes from NBA legends we’ll assemble our monsters from top to bottom. We were thinking…wait…what’s that…

It’s alive!

It’s aliiiiive!!!

Jake's Hair - Iman Shumpert

If I'm about to make a perfect NBA player, I'm gonna need some perfect hair. Shump's flat-top isn't the first in the league, and it certainly won't be the last - but damn it's fine. His hair doesn't only have remarkable perpendicularity (claiming the award for longest word on this website - thanks Chad) but it also defies gravity at the same time. His flat-top reminds me of Vince from Recess, it genuinely looks like he has wires inside holding it up and it almost certainly helped him play some great back up minutes in the Cav's 2016 title run - I mean, how are you meant to concentrate on playing defense on a guy with a 2 foot head?!

Chad’s Hair - Manu Ginobili

Starting off with a classic. I always felt bad for LeBron because everyone clowned him for his hairline receding. But it makes it easier to poke fun at something that you’re clearly sensitive about. On the other hand, mad props to Gee-no-bee-lee for embracing MPB (Male Pattern Baldness) and balling out. Knowing full well the TV cameras were looking right down on his perfectly round bald spot, Ginobili left his hair relatively long for a respectably lengthy amount of time. Only in the end did Old Man Manu shave his genetic misfortune down to a stubble. So by taking Manu’s hair I’m gonna go ahead and assume that I get his courage as well. In essence there’s thirty-five seconds left on the game clock and I just jacked up a three. Yeah, that’s a two for one. #Winning

Brain - Kevin Garnett

I'll go down a different route here - instead of picking a player who's always one step ahead of the game like CP3 or LBJ I'll go with someone who's absolute tenacity won him the respect of the entire league. KG was an total dog on and off the court, he played with a level of intensity and fire beneath him that not many could match. He adapted his game to whichever situation he needed to and was capable of providing incredible locker room and on court presence during some of the Celtic's toughest stretches. I need my player to lead by example and The Big Ticket is definitely my guy.

Chad’s Brain - Michael Jordan

The G.O.A.T. was the G.O.A.T. because of what was between his ears. A relentless pursuit of excellence, a competitive fire like the league hasn’t seen since (Kobe came close), and a basketball IQ that would rival any in history. Not to mention the brain secretes stress hormone in, well, stressful situations and no one was more calm under pressure than MJ. What I’m saying is his brain may have metaphorically and also literally, physically been better than everyone else’s. Not to mention it had amassed one of the greatest trash talk vocabularies of all-time as well.

Jake's Facial Hair - James Harden

When we're talking about facial hair how can I not choose someone branded and instantly recognised by just saying "The Beard". Aside from AD's brow (not something anyone should ever want) I can't think of many more famous facial growths. Besides, my player is absolutely going to use this to his advantage, first question is how many banana peels can we fit inside that beard, when best to deploy said banana peels and how slippery actually are peels?! You could call me a cheat - but I'd have to refer you to the Actual Beard's ridiculous travel no-calls. 

Chad’s Facial Hair - Adam Morrison

Oh yeah! You know I just went there. Molester ‘staches were all the rage in high school amongst those of us who couldn’t actually grow facial hair but were excited to see some colored peach fuzz on our upper lips.

I’m joking. Molester ‘staches have never been cool. But that’s why I’m choosing Adam Morrison’s facial hair for my monster. Despite the jokes and kids everywhere starting to use the unfortunate phrase “molester ‘stache,” Adam Morrison stayed strong and had the courage to live his life on his own terms. It didn’t translate into much of an NBA career but man, that dude could hoop when he played for the Zags up in Washington state. And it should be mentioned he did win an NBA title with the Lakers.

This far into the experiment, if nothing else my hair style selections have me winning the White Trash Olympics.

Jake's Shoulders - David Robinson

I want shoulders that are actually going to be useful, this player's going to be saying "f**k you" to the weak defensive rules currently used in the league and "f**k yes" to power drives led by David Robinson's above bicep circles. Seriously, how is it actually possible to get shoulders like that?! Not sure, but I've received Robinson's insurance details and the docs are ready for the transplant. 

Chad’s Shoulders - Dwight Howard

I mean, come on! Dwight is a fruitcake as a competitor but every time I do shoulder flies at the gym I think of him. His shoulders should be moulded and placed on display in a museum. Maybe Orlando will give him just that when he retires, no head, no torso, just a pair of brass shoulders sitting permanently outside the Amway Center.

Jake's Arms - Ray Allen

Watch out, I'm eurostepping. I'm going to swerve from the jacked theme towards the skill theme just like that, why? Because I can. To fully dominate, this player needs to be able to destroy defenses from the inside but also from deep. So I'm taking a set of arms that canned 2973 treys, although he's a few years removed from the NBA, he's clearly still got the muscle memory after dropping buckets at the All-Star game. He's got one of the sweetest shooting forms we've ever seen, hit the most threes in the league and now he's looking down at his shoulder stumps wondering where his arms have disappeared to.

Chad’s Arms - The Mailman

No, not the balding guy with a thin mustache who brings your mail to your front door. Although, come to think of it he may help me win those White Trash Olympics I mentioned earlier.

But no, my monster’s arms are made up of the oak logs that were Karl Malone’s upper limbs. Chiseled from years of dirty, callous-building farm work at his Louisiana home these ‘bows are made to shatter jaw bones if someone is dumb enough to stand too close during a hard rip thru and drive to the basket for a hand-behind-the-head posterization of some unlucky and incapable defender.

Jake's Hands - Kawhi Leonard

Firstly, the picture on the right is RIDICULOUS. I'm sure his side chick's hands are small, but his fingers genuinely look like he's added some fake ends to them. Either way, I'm stealing them. Kawhi will have to lose the "Klaw" nickname and think up something else - maybe to do with his weird dreads, although I have to give him respect for still rocking them in this era. Despite averaging over 30 minutes a game for his career, his turnover rate is 1.4 per game - definitely the type of ball security my ideal player will need, and even if the hands don't end up becoming useful on the court - there will always be a final Pringle somebody somewhere is struggling to pull out. 

Chad’s Hands - The Klaw

I guess it's not surprising we're on the same page here. I feel like this one is kinda like Dwight. It needs no real explanation. Kawhi’s hands are so big, yet play with so much finesse, that his nickname is literally based on his hands. Simple as that. These hands can shoot the rock, dish the rock, steal the rock, block the rock, and even take the rock home and decide not to play. Aside from that last point what more could you ask for in a pair of basketball hands?

Jake's Legs - Andrew Wiggins

While I don't generally enjoy showing Wiggins some love because of his lack of enthusiasm/passion/anything meaningful on the court - I'll definitely take his legs here. He was posting a 44' vertical during the draft combine - but as well as that he's got one of the quickest second leaps the league has ever seen. His ability to come down after a jump and get back up in milliseconds is ridiculous. My player needs to be able to dominate the glass, so with Wig's legs (luckily not his lil b***h brain) he should be able to control the boards on a nightly basis. Also, I need some young healthy legs and I don't think Wiggins has suffered a major injury yet, so I'm good - although he's not because he's effectively useless without athleticism and I've stolen his pins.

Chad’s Legs - LeBron James

This may not be the obvious choice, although I don’t know who that is because no-one particularly stood out to me, but I think once you hear me out you’ll agree. Having longevity as an athlete is all about the health of your lower body and who has been more resilient in this department than King James? I couldn’t think of anyone. Plus, it’s not like he’s some nobody who just happened to play for a really long time. He’s one of the greatest athletes of all-time. He’s a wrecking ball when he gets a head of steam on the fastbreak, a high flyer around the rim, and has the strength to hold his own in the post against some of the biggest, strongest men the game has to offer. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if someday we find out LeBron was on HGH and that’s how he stayed healthy and otherworldly his whole career. Or maybe he just eats really healthy. Who knows?

Jake's Feet - Yao Ming...just kidding, Steph Curry

It absolutely feels weird choosing Steph Curry anywhere below the knees, but his incredible turn around after his injury plagued past has rocketed him into Hall of Fame status and definitely into one of the best point guards EVER. His ability to stop on a dime and change direction is almost second to none (him and Harden are likely the best in the league). His game is predicated around being able to create separation and balance in the most ridiculous situations, so I'm going to ruin his career and steal his feet. Soz Steph.

Chad’s Feet - Kobe Bryant

Again, longevity for an athlete is all about the lower body, the wheels. Some of you what-have-you-done-for-me-lately people may be thinking, “Then why’d you choose Kobe? He was injury riddled and hobbled out his last three or four years.” To make my point I could point at the fact that Kobe played 20 seasons. Or maybe that his footwork even when not 100% was legendary and potentially THE reason he was so great. Or maybe that despite his aches and pains, these two feet supported a five time champion who was healthy enough to come as close to His Airness as anyone I’ve ever seen. But I’ll just point to one single game, the last game of his career. These two feet that had withstood 20 years of NBA wear and tear took the hardwood one last time and helped propel the Black Mamba to 61. He walked out the door of Staples and into retirement with 61. Yeah, gimme Kobe.

Jake's Height - Rik Smits

No it's not Shaq. It's the white boy stood next to him - the Dunking Dutchman himself, Rik Smits. 250lbs on a 7-5 frame is not to be scoffed at and I'll need every pound of American burgers Smits was chowing too. This height and weight combined with the Wiggin's vertical would make the paint effectively a death zone, like the final climb to the Everest summit when your body is effectively dying, opponents will similarly have little chance of ever scaling my player's defensive range.

Chad’s Height - Wilt Chamberlain

Or Kevin Durant, Giannis Antetokounmpo, any long, skilled giant. I chose Wilt over these other two because quite frankly, I just wanted to. I didn’t wanna pick Durant. That felt too obvious. And Giannis was too trendy. So Wilt it is. Like Kawhi, Wilt’s nickname “The Stilt” was a direct commentary on his physical attributes. Wilt could run faster than most, jump higher than most, play better than most, and if he was telling the truth in his autobiography about sleeping with 20,000 women, he made love better or at the very least more efficiently than most as well. My thinking here is not only will my monster hooper get all the girls despite being Jimbob from the local trailer park but if he’s a freakishly athletic seven footer with all these guard body parts he’s gonna be an unstoppable force on the hardwood.

Side Note on Rik Smits: The Dunking Dutchman is a sweet nickname.

Tattoos - DeMarcus Cousins

For the next couple of items I'll be basically going with some dope designs and iconic things. So I'm going to shout out Boogie and go for this sweet piece on his forearm. I've not a clue why Cuz has a Statue of Liberty with a skull face but it's original, fresh and might just be one of the coolest tattoos I've seen in the league, alongside Austin River's Martin Luther King Jr. tattoo. My player already has a fresh cut, a sweet beard - might as well add the finishing touch with some nice ink. 

Chad’s Tattoos - Jason Williams

I thought about going no tattoos or maybe Tim Duncan with the back tattoo that occasionally would poke out from under his uniform, but instead I stuck with my theme of building the White Trash Olympics’ Dream Team and chose White Chocolate. What I liked about Williams’ tattoos was that they didn’t seem very well thought out. Like a West Virginia boy who got drunk sitting on his porch and went down to the tattoo parlor just to flip through the samples book and point to several random images that caught his fancy. He had several big ol’ black tattoos on his arms that just seemed random. It wasn’t at all like the tattoo sleeves you see guys getting today. My favorite of his tats was the dragon looking thing on his left shoulder.

Accessories - Rip Hamilton's Face Mask

As far as iconic accessories go, this has got to be pretty high up the list. Rip Hamilton probably broke his nose more than a professional boxer, so the precautionary mask was basically part of his identity for the majority of his career. I want something for my player's fans to associate him with, so I'm absolutely going for a glossy face every time I step on that court, hopefully it won't mess up my gravity defying Shump flat top. 

Chad’s Accessories - Larry Johnson

The gold tooth.

Shoes - Nike Hyperdunk 2017 "Jason" 

Wow. I absolutely loved this design when it was a first shown. Unfortunately one of my least favourite players (Karl Anthony-Towns) debuted them. However, it won't stop me from giving him some love for these. I've never worn Hyperdunk's before so I can't say much for the fit - but damn these are scary. My reasoning behind these is because they're the lasting image you'll have when you're on the floor after being posterized by my player - those machetes will be ingrained into your mind, spinning round and round when you're trying to sleep that night. Bit dark but yep, these finish off my player's look as your match up nightmare, quadruple-double snatching, friendly neighbourhood baller.

Chad’s Shoes - Kobe IX High-Top

I’m still disappointed I never owned a pair of these. I did however own the low-top version and they were probably the best performing, most comfortable basketball shoes that I ever laced up. That’s saying a lot because the Jordan B’Tru in black and orange were tremendous performers on the court and hold a lot of sentimental value for me but weren’t exceptionally comfortable and the first five or six iterations of the LeBron shoe line were sooo freaking comfortable but ultimately too heavy. So the extra high high-tops it is. Regardless of whether you like these, be thankful it’s what I went with because I almost made you waste your time reading a paragraph about why I chose the Converse Chuck Taylors. Hey, they were good enough for 11-time champion, Bill Russell. Ooo, but what about the Reebok Pumps?

Until next time, feel free to continue the conversation in the comments! Who would make up your Frankenstein Superstar?