Craziest Takes for All 30 Teams

With the news releasing just the other day that the Phoenix Suns had goats dropping a deuce in their GM’s office, we figured now might be a good time to hash out the craziest things that are likely (or unlikely) to happen to all 30 NBA teams over the next 12 months of so.

You’d be surprised what might happen that could even rival NBA front office goat s**tting. So without further ado…

Golden State Warriors

Lose in the 2018-19 NBA Finals

That's right. I'm down for some major anarchy during this years playoffs. The Warriors, despite adding DeMarcus Cousins, look more vulnerable on a night-to-night basis than ever before, Boogie shown struggles recently with his anger and even more importantly - his defense, Kevin Durant looks more unsettled each game when he's asked about his impending free agency bromance with Kyrie and Klay is having a career-low year in efficiency. The bench depth isn't great either, despite adding the big Aussie Andrew Bogut, a nice add for veteran presence but otherwise just a bench warmer to be activated when Boogie inevitably gets fouled out. But seriously, the Warriors have a history of being knocked around in the playoffs before facing LeBron in the Finals, usually much inferior team. This year will be different though - after battling with physical teams the entire way through the East, Golden State will very likely be dealing with some injury problems with less time to rest for the Finals because I think their Conference Finals series will go to at least 6 games - not like the sweeps they're used to. I'm expecting to see a dangerous East team, be it Toronto, Milwaukee, Philadelphia or Boston, flip the script and punch them straight in the gut to win the Finals this year.

New York Knicks

Irving and Durant come to town.

This one seems inevitable. New York was listed on Kyrie's preferred team list to be traded to when he was in Cleveland - Boston was not. Add in his constant temper tantrums when asked about his impending free agency as well as his knack for flipping the script on his career, he's constantly looking to challenge himself in new situations, and I think he's grown weary in Boston. Despite looking great on paper the Celtics just haven't been able to piece together consistent victories this season and the chemistry looks completely off - add in the fact that Boston are favourites to sign AD this summer with a sweet trade package, do they really want to give Kyrie the supermax contract that will see Kyrie into his 30s either? If they show any kind of hesitation to throw him the max contract, he'll likely take offense and bounce. Durant is much more likely to end up in NYC this summer, he's got the titles he came for in Oakland, now he needs to prove to the world (and to himself, he's obviously still insecure about how people view him... #burneraccounts) that he can lead a team to a 'ship. I'm calling that we see both of them in blue and orange this October.

Atlanta Hawks

Are a year away from becoming Warriors 2.0.

Okay, that sounds much more successful than it was meant to sound. What I mean is, Atlanta have openly admitted to copying the Warriors blueprint, they're so committed to it that they even traded their 2018 first round pick to Dallas, missing out on Luka, because they WANTED Trae Young and an extra first round pick next year. If you look through their roster they've got basically the cheap version of the Warriors - Trae Young as an undersized shoot-first point guard with some exceptional off the dribble playmaking skills (sound familiar?), Kevin Huerter as a lights-out knock down shooter who excels at shooting off screens (2nd Splash Bro?) and John Collins as a do-it-all lockdown defender. That's right ladies and gentleman, we have Steph, Klay and Draymond clones right here. All they're missing is a scorer who can create for himself, fit into a system and also become an underrated defender... do I hear "Zion" chants in the background?

Miami Heat

Josh Richardson becomes an All Star

It's been a longtime coming. This kid has improved his game every season in the league, developing from a defensive specialist into a 3 & D wing and now into a crazily efficient secondary playmaker and leader of a team. With Dwyane Wade's retirement looming upon the Heat, someone is going to need to step into the leadership void and put up numbers for this team each night. Miami aren't considered to be major free agent threats YET (though you can never count Pat Riley out), so Richardson will likely be the most talented player on the Heat every night next season - he's certainly going to get the shot attempts each night to put up surprising numbers. His season stats for the 19-20 season will look something like 22.5PTS/5.1AST/4TRB/2STL at a maybe slightly less efficient clip than this season. That's enough to get you noticed in the East, especially when you're leading the team. This guy is going to be an All Star next season, I've called it.

New Orleans Pelicans

Brandon Ingram becomes to the new face of the franchise.

Here's what's going to happen. Boston Celtics are going to pass up on AD this summer, it doesn't make sense for them to lose a tonne of assets in a trade with New Orleans only to have Davis jump across to LA to buddy up with Bron the next summer. So I honestly think that Boston will choose continuity this summer and try their best to re-sign Kyrie as well as fully integrate their players into Brad Steven's system. They've shown they can compete in the East (last year without Kyrie or Hayward they took the Cavs to 7 games in the Eastern Finals) and they have maybe the brightest young mind in the league in Brad Stevens. It makes no sense for them to tear that entire structure down for a 1 year rental of AD that thins out their team, potentially making it less deep than even Philly. Therefore, I'm calling LA to come back to New Orleans with a sexed up offer of Ingram, Lonzo, Hart and a few 1st rounders which will then become the best offer on the table. Ingram has shown during this second half of the season how valuable he is as a trade chip and the mouthwatering potential that he possesses makes him a natural fit as the new face of the Pelicans franchise.

Toronto Raptors

Kawhi loves the Six

This one isn't so juicy. I don't think there's any chance Kawhi goes to LA this summer, and if he did it would be to the Clippers. He's previously expressed that he would want to lead a team himself and I think playing with LeBron isn't the type of situation he wants to be in. He's became the joint face of the Raptors franchise alongside Lowry and team management have proven they can structure a winning team around him. Aside from the weather, what's not to like? The Raptors are legit franchise with an incredible branding and culture vision, they've got a better record than the Warriors and have beat them both times they've played them this season. Why would he jump from a sure thing in Toronto, where he can collect a huge pay cheque - just to take a chance on an increasingly less defensive-minded LeBron James show? The Klaw is staying in Toronto, called it here.

Portland Trailblazers

Damian Lillard and CJ McCollum part ways

Stephen Curry 2.0 and creative Klay are long overdue a trip elsewhere. Damian Lillard is Portland's prodigal child so I can't see him being traded or leaving, he's expressed a desire to make the most of his opportunity in Portland - which I respect massively - CJ, however great he's become, will always be the more probable trade piece. Despite making the playoffs every year together, they've just never found much success - whether it's being swept by the Warriors each year, or New Orleans last year, they just can't get it right post-April. So I'm calling Portland to pack it in this season after getting bounced in the first round, CJ will be shipped somewhere - maybe to a team that can offer talented big men in return - I'm calling a trade, CJ and Meyers Leonard to Oklahoma for Nerlens Noel, Markieff Morris and Dennis Schroder.

Minnesota Timberwolves

BLOW IT UP!

It's been a long time coming. Timberwolves are a failure, KAT is not a building block for a team and Andrew Wiggins is the most overrated player in the NBA. The last few seasons have certainly shown the Timberwolves' real colours - they can't win without a shot creator (Jimmy Butler), Karl Anthony-Towns' numbers are hollow and he's not a leader, their bench pieces aren't enough to win minutes without the starters and Andrew Wiggins is a waste of a max contract. I think they need to blow it up and blow it up fast, trade Wiggins to Phoenix for some nice young pieces (Josh Jackson, Elie Okobo, Mikal Bridges anyone?), test the market for Anthony-Towns - they could probably get some insane pieces to build around. But this team for sure needs a stylistic reset and some new faces.

Orlando Magic

We escape the Fultz-Saga...

I'm throwing this one out there for some fun... Markelle Fultz is a great kid and I wish him nothing but the best in his career and hope he gets it back on track. But I think we could see him return to a brilliant form after rehabbing his injury, showing flashes of the playmaking and defensive potential he was known for as well as a reasonably competent jump shot.

OR

He'll call it quits and either retire early or move overseas for a fresh start. I honestly think the spotlight that was shone on him throughout his entire injury saga has really gotten to him - I think there's real potential for him to stop before he barely starts and leave the league.

Dallas Mavericks

Kristaps Porzingis returns to full form.

I absolutely LOVE the pairing of KP and Luka, here's to hoping Kristaps will recover from his knee injury and return to the pre-superstar form he was reaching in New York. My take here is simple, Kristaps is known as a gym rat, he's known for his hard work and passion, he's coming back with maybe a couple of weeks worth of rusty games - after that he'll be back to form. I wouldn't be surprised to see him averaging 24/25 points a night, pulling down rebounds in double figures and shooting a sweet clip from long range - playing alongside the best playmaker he's ever been around will help his durability throughout the season too, expect to see him operating in pick and pops way more often than before instead of battling for his own points down low. I'd absolutely love to see Dallas make the playoffs next year and I seriously think it's a possibility - maybe the 6/7/8th seed over a team like the Clippers or Timberwolves.

Milwaukee Bucks

Giannis sets PER records

This is quite a simple take - The Greek Freak is reaching levels of efficiency (minus his three point shots) similar to LeBron, he's putting up similar across the board numbers but with higher steal and block averages. If he spends the summer working on his jumpshot - which I imagine is a priority for him - then I think he's going to set PER (Player Efficiency Rating) records next year. The talent is there, the backup help is there, the team system is in place, it's just going to take another Giannis-sized jump to get to these unprecedented levels. 31.83 PER from Wilt Chamberlain in the 1962-63 season is the record, the most recent high PER was Steph during his ridiculous 2015-16 season, he finished with a 31.46 PER. I think Giannis has the potential to easily crack the top 3 of all time (Wilt x2 and LeBron x1), if not set a new All Time record.

Sacramento Kings

Will get home court advantage in the playoffs next season

The Kings are my guilty pleasure this season, I know that I should dislike them for their traditionally useless front office and team decisions, but damn this team is nice. De'Aaron Fox is my favourite player in the league not named Dwyane, Buddy Hield is shooting the lights out and the rest of the roster is constructed to play at the fastest pace in the NBA while playing great two-way play. Now they're battling for a playoff spot right now, but lets say they don't make it - they then have an entire summer for the key players to improve their craft even further - Hield still has huge jumps to make as a defender, Fox needs to hit the weight room and continue working on his jumper, Cauley-Stein needs to improve as a screen and roll man - give the kids a summer to work like dogs in the weights room and gym and we'll see huge improvements. I wouldn't put it out their reach to surprise the entire NBA next year, this year feels like "the year before the year" - a breakout is coming, just not until next season. I'm calling them to steal the 4th seed while a team like Portland finally crashes out of the playoff picture.

Brooklyn Nets

STEAL Anthony Davis

Brooklyn are known for some questionable decisions. Just look back at the Garnett and Pierce trade - they basically sacrificed their franchise's livelihood for the next 4 seasons just to have a short rental of some old Celtics players... Okay so Paul Pierce was nice, but in Washington, not Brooklyn, and certainly was NOT worth giving up that much for. So what are the Nets going to do this summer? Make the same old mistake of course - they'll offer up something stupid like 4 first rounders, Caris LeVert and Jarrett Allen for AD. They'll have one season with Davis and Russell looking like a poor man's Tony Parker and Tim Duncan, before AD flees to California with his broski LeBron, leaving Brooklyn picking up the pieces, trading Russell to Miami and becoming a laughing stock around the league once again. If this happens I'm going to officially declare myself "The Oracle".

Utah Jazz

Donovan Mitchell goes D Wade on em'

Comparisons have already been made between Spida Mitchell's game being very similar to Dwyane Wade's but with a consistent three point jump shot and slightly less playmaking. My take here is that he's about to have a breakout Playoffs performance - at this point in the season I would pen Utah as the most likely to upset a top 4 team in the first round, and I can see Mitchell leading the way. During his first Finals series and ultimately his first Championship, Dwyane Wade averaged 34.7 points per game and had a 33.8 PER - his seemingly single handed willingness to drag the Heat back from a 0-2 deficit to win 4-2 eventually is hailed as one of the greatest playoff performances of all time - he was young then, Donovan is young now. I think he leads the Utah on a charge that ultimately sees them upset a team in the first round before taking a great team to 6 or 7 games in the second round before getting knocked out, and I think he's going to drop Dwyane Wade-esque numbers along the way. I'd put money on him averaging at least 32/5/6 with a huge breakout game along the way cementing him as Utah's franchise centerpiece for next season.

Memphis Grizzlies

Jaren Jackson Jr becomes _________ 2.0.

Lets throw out some body measurements and statistics side by side:

4th Overall Pick, Power Forward, 6-11, 242lb, 7-4 wingspan

13.8 PPG, 35.9 3P%, 4.7 TRB, 1.1 AST, 1.4 BLK

4th Overall Pick, Power Forward, 6-11, 235lb, 7-4 wingspan

11.5 PPG, 35.7 3P%, 7.4 TRB, 1.1 AST, 1.4 BLK

So the first is Jaren Jackson Jr, the second is...

Chris Bosh.

Those stats are their rookie season per game numbers, and I think Jaren Jackson is primed to make the leap that Bosh did - a little over two years into his career, Chris Bosh started dropping 20 and 10 every night - a line that defined his career in Toronto along with lengthy athletic plays that wowed fans every night. Obviously when he moved to Miami he transitioned further away from the rim as one of the first stretch power forwards in the modern era of basketball, but the point here is how quickly he made that jump to stardom. I think if triple J can prevent himself from becoming a nightly foul magnet (3.9 per game) and naturally be given more minutes next season (he's averaging 26.1mpg compared to Bosh's 33.5 in his rookie year) then he's going to really develop into a transcendent player. The potential is truly mouth watering, especially if you've been following him (like I have) since his time at Michigan State, you'd see that while he's still a raw product he's steadily figuring it out and it won't be long until he starts hitting his stride. My take here is that his numbers this time next year on a tanking Memphis team look something like 17/9/2 with maybe 2 blocks a game - basically identical to Bosh's 16.8PPG/8.9TRB/1.9AST split. If he has anything close to the career Bosh had (one of the most underrated players ever but still won 2 championships and showed he could play roles as either the alpha dog or the third wheel) then we've got a future Hall of Famer in Memphis.

Chad's Half of the League

Phoenix Suns

Goat S**tter

Well, it happened already so this isn’t exactly a true prediction but surely goats dropping a load in the GM’s office is the weirdest thing that’s gonna happen in Phoenix over the next 12 months. If it’s not, well, I don’t even really know what to say. I guess the only thing that would be better than this story already is, is if we find out the coaching staff put the goats in the GM’s office. Or even the players. Or what if this goat (or goats) did this “shit” all on his own just to send a message that he’s tired of Phoenix stinking up the place? That goat right there would be the G.O.A.T. of all goats.

Los Angeles Lakers

Don’t Make the Playoffs Back-to-Back Years

It’s time to get real. With only 17 games left in the Lakers regular season and the fact that they’re sitting 6.5 games behind the Clippers who are in eighth, 2.5 behind Sacramento who’s in ninth, and just got passed up by Minnesota for the tenth spot, I just can’t see how they make the playoffs. LeBron will have to truly be superhuman and maybe the greatest player ever to pull off a playoff birth with this current situation and supporting cast. And since we’re getting real. LeBron isn’t the greatest player ever. Kyle Kuzma had to literally shove LeBron out to the wing to contest a shooter on a crucial play in a recent game. I used to do that as a player as well, push people to their spots. Nothing out of the ordinary regarding that. But the fact that Kuzma pushed the man who proclaimed not too long ago he was the G.O.A.T. (shoutout to Phoenix) to close out on a crucial position is mindblowing. LeBron isn’t the greatest and will never be the greatest because he’s had a career full of plays like that. Jordan is more legend than actual human these days but it’s a fact that his mission was to go out every night and give everything he had for that one person in the arena who on that given night may have the only Michael Jordan experience they ever get. Against the ‘90s Clippers, he went hard. That’s true greatness.

Oh, I almost forgot I said back-to-back years. Yeah, so long story short LeBron is showing the basketball world how tough it is to be on his team by spending this year in L.A. and no free agent is going to sign with the Lakers in the offseason. Well, no big time free agent anyways. So what we can expect in 2019-2020 is a repeat of this year assuming Brandon Ingram is still the New Balance to Kevin Durant’s Nike and Kyle Kuzma hasn’t turned into an all-star either. Assuming L.A. doesn’t get a top-tier free agent it’s gonna take some huge leaps in effectiveness and efficiency by those two young guns for Los Angeles to be relevant outside of the fact that Bron will always draw a spotlight. Unfortunately for him, this time the spotlight is more of a magnifying glass held to the sun and he and his team are the ants.

Houston Rockets

James Harden wins back-to-back MVPs, Not in Player Vote Top 5

Pretty simple here and although I truly don’t enjoy watching the guy play, he deserves the MVP this year. Even more so than last season. What he’s doing on the offensive end is truly phenomenal. And you know how the NBA does those player polls periodically? I think they do one at the end of the season for awards and James Harden won’t be listed in the players’ choice of top five MVP candidates. To take it a step further I don’t think Bron will be either. I predict the players will vote: 1. Giannis; 2. Paul George; 3. Kawhi; 4. K.D.; 5. Russ.

Chicago Bulls

Gets the First Pick and Drafts R.J. Barrett

Some may say, “Well, R.J. was projected #1 to start the college hoops season so how is this the craziest thing that will happen in Chicago?” True, it’s not inherently crazy from that perspective but think about where we’ve gotten to in the Zion Williamson hype. Any GM who wants to keep their job will take Williamson as the first pick. It’s safe and not just that, it’s very likely he turns into an NBA stud. But here’s the thing, the Bulls are great, or at least very good, when it comes to drafting high caliber players. I think they have the wherewithal to get this pick right, not for the present moment, lord knows they’re gonna get roasted on ESPN, Twitter, the barbershop, everywhere. But R.J. is a better NBA talent and could be the next big thing. I’m betting he is and pairing him with a young core of Markannen and Wendell Carter Jr. and in a few years they could be a beast in the East.

Boston Celtics

Kyrie Commits to Boston, Leaves First Week of Free Agency

Remember when Kyrie announced that he was foregoing free agency and staying in Boston? Yeah, Boston fans rejoiced. It was a great day for the Celts. But it really meant nothing. NBA players only have loyalty to their shoe companies and Benjamin Franklin these days. And they’re only loyal to the shoe companies because of Mr. Franklin. Still don’t be surprised when Kyrie says again, probably in a post-game press conference when he’s feeling good about a playoff win, that he’s staying in Boston. And then also don’t be surprised when weeks after saying that he joins New York in free agency. Uncle Drew doesn’t care about you, your team, his team, anyone but himself. And I don’t mean that in a mean way. I think that’s just who he is and that’s fine. Do you, Kyrie. Go to the blacktop kingdom where your fancy handles and jelly rolls will dazzle under the bright lights. You’ll fit in well there. And you won’t ever have to worry about winning again either. You’ll be Kemba of North in honor of Game of Thrones’ last season. Disclaimer: I’ve never actually watched Game of Thrones but that nickname seems like it might fit.

Oklahoma City Thunder

Russell Westbrook Eats a Cupcake on the Bench While Knocking Golden State out of the Playoffs

Russ is a savage. Straight up savage, bro. I can’t wait for this to happen. It’s reality television at it’s finest…and realest for that matter. Yes, Oklahoma City will knock off the defending champs which will send multiple Warriors into free agency looking for a new destination. And during that closeout game, Russ will have a cupcake delivered from backstage that’s just the softest color pink you’ve ever seen, and will take a big ol’ bite of it while sitting on the bench for the whole world to see. He’ll have his classic, gigantic smile plastered all over his face too. And then of course he’ll be asked about said cupcake after the game and he’ll lift his eyebrows lower his eyelids, drop his upper lip, and act like he has no idea what in the world these crazy reporters are talking about. Why won’t they just leave him alone already?

Washington Wizards

John Wall Turns Gilbert Arenas But Actually Uses It

Remember when Gilbert Arenas was packing heat while playing for the Wizards? Well, John Wall seems like he may be on the Arenas track (that’s a quick decline by the way) and will make the mistake of bringing a firearm to the gym. He's a grown man. He can do what he wants. I’m not gonna go so far as to claim John Wall would intentionally hurt anyone but guns misfire or are set off on accident all the time. Let’s just hope no one like Marcin Gortat just happens to be in the building standing perfectly inline with the barrel at that exact inopportune time.

San Antonio Spurs

Gregg Popovich Retires

Well y’all, the best coach in league history is gonna hang it up his spurs. How’s that for a San Antonio take for you`.

Cleveland Cavaliers

Puts Tristan Thompson in a LeBron Jersey Hoping Fans won’t Know the Difference

I can see it now. Cleveland sucks again in 2019-2020. And Tristan Thompson is clearly fame hungry to shack up with a Kardashian. So it’s the perfect scenario. Dan Gilbert is out of touch and a crazy man. Again, perfect scenario. Gilbert will set a plan in motion to have Tristan Thompson where a LeBron James Cleveland Cavaliers uniform to all home games and will even hang a massive “faux LeBron” billboard starring Thompson that looks over the city of Cleveland. If he’s really feeling bold he may even test the copyright laws and have the billboard say, “Just Do It.” Gilbert is gonna hope the people of Cleveland are stupid and don’t know the difference between arguably the greatest athlete of all-time and Khloe Kardashian’s ex-fiancee. No offence, Cleveland, but I can’t wait to see if anyone buys it.

You think that was a little out there? I agree. So my secondary take if that doesn’t happen is Cleveland relocates off the coast of Southern California. Not the team. The team will still be in the NBA anals in a vacant black hole in Ohio (and yes, anals is spelled correctly). But rather the city of Cleveland will plop down in the Pacific because they’ll be tired of being depressed and as we know, LeBron is the only thing that brings Clevelanders joy.

Update: OBJ is a Brown. So not even Fake LBJ could interest people in Cavaliers games.

Los Angeles Clippers

Owner uses ties with Microsoft to develop artificial intelligence that does a better job at being GM than Doc Rivers

I guess it’s a little more than ties when you’re essentially Bill Gates equal but you get what I mean. Steve Ballmer is going to take his talents back to the motherboards and develop an artificial intelligence that will change the Clippers (and Doc Rivers’) future. And may even change the NBA and basketball development. Scouting players in game and at the combine will become an analytical masterpiece with Ballmer’s new technology. By using tangible numbers to evaluate talent and even fit talent together on the actual Clippers team, the franchise will continue to have success despite their lack of superstar talent. And yes, they will be the best team in L.A. once more in 2019-2020.

On the real though, Ballmer is unlikely to be the guy to develop such software. But I do actually believe someone will in the near future. And it’ll be one of the worst things that happens to basketball if it’s accepted and implemented. The more we analyze numbers the less feel for the game we have. It’s like life. Life was so much more beautiful when we truly experienced it first hand. We felt things, we communicated, we touched and shared real laughs not LOLs. But now we’re too busy texting, Googling, and liking people’s photos to spend time liking their actual face in real life. But I digress…

Philadelphia 76ers

Despite making it to the NBA Finals, Jimmy Leaves

I love Jimmy Butler. I think I mentioned in a previous post that I hate to talk bad about him because of my experience with him in the past, but after all the chaos with Minnesota and his trade to Philly, which hasn’t been the smoothest of rides if rumors are true, I think he’ll be wanting a fresh start of his own choosing. I think Jimmy likes being the alpha and I’m not sure he’ll ever truly be the alpha on a team with two stars who are younger and if not already, soon to be better than him. Embiid is already there and Simmons may be as well. Hell, Tobias Harris is better on any given night too. I’m not sure where Jimmy will go but I think it will be somewhere that was in the playoffs this year but doesn’t have a true star. Say, the Clippers maybe? Or San Antonio if Pop wants to give Jimmy a shot at fitting into the Spurs way?

Ultimately though, I hope I’m wrong because I would love to see the Big Four of Butler, Embiid, Simmons, and Harris stick it out for several years and make some noise in the NBA Finals. Because like I said, I’m a big fan of Jimmy’s and would love to see him hoisting up the Larry O’Brien Trophy.

Charlotte Hornets

Steph Sees Klay and KD Leave and Decides to Come Home

This may be the only take where the player in question isn’t currently on said team. But yes, I think multiple things will play in Charlotte’s favor in attracting Curry to the Queen City. Oh, I was just looking over Curry’s contract status and he won’t be eligible for free agency for several years. In that case…

The Charlotte Hornets’ team toaster at their practice facility will catch on fire burning the right hand of underwhelming Kentucky Wildcat, Michael Kidd-Gilchrist as he tries to rescue his charred toast because he was, “Really craving that strawberry jam."

Indiana Pacers

During first round playoff game they try to re-enact the bear wrestling halftime show from the ABA and it goes terribly wrong

Indiana without Victor Oladipo has no real chance of advancing in the Eastern Conference playoffs. I’m kind of shocked they’re even in the Easter Conference playoffs without Vic. But hey, kudos to them for making things happen. But yeah, the Pacers will resort to shenanigans like bear wrestling to get people in the seats for what will likely be a lopsided blowout of a series. And I’m not just pulling this bear wrestling idea out of a hat. It actually has precedence in American professional basketball. No not the NBA, but the ABA (the American Basketball Association for our younger, less enlightened readers). And can you guess which team put on this incredible spectacle? Yep, the Indiana Pacers. It wasn’t a great big hit but hey, the headline alone will likely get people in their seats. And once the bear rips the guys limbs off it’ll probably have people fleeing the gymnasium scarred and never to return. So assuming this doesn’t go too well maybe for the next game they bring back the cow-milking competition.

Denver Nuggets

Melo Ruins the Nuggets on a 10-Day

There are only like 15 games left until the Nuggets season is over and in that time Carmelo will decide he’s tired of being disrespected and wants to hang up his signature Jordan’s (that he wasn’t qualified to have) for the last time. To honor the best years of his career, Denver will sign Carmelo to a ten day contract and let him retire as a Nugget. Unfortunately in these ten days Carmelo will do what Carmelo does and ruin the team’s chemistry despite only setting foot on the floor for a standing ovation which lasted 30 seconds. Because of the Melo catastrophe, Denver will drop from the number two seed in the West to not even making the playoffs. Some people will say it’s bogus. But you can’t tell me part of you wouldn’t be like, “Yep, that was bound to happen.”

Got another crazy, out of this world take? Hit us up in the comments.